It’s natural to go into a difficult conversation focused on what you want from the situation. But thinking only about your goals won’t give you and your counterpart the common ground necessary to resolve the conflict. You need a good understanding of what the other person’s objectives and interests are. They had a rationale for the way they’ve behaved so far (even if you don’t agree with it), so what might that be? Think about what’s going on for them. Ask yourself: What are they hoping to accomplish? Why does this matter to them? If you’re not sure, ask someone you trust what they think is going on in your counterpart’s mind. You might say something like, “I’d love some advice and coaching. I haven’t worked much with Akiko before, but I know you have. Can you help me understand how she might be seeing this situation?” Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes will give you information you can use to navigate the discussion and propose solutions that meet both of your needs.
Adapted from the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict, by Amy Gallo
